In my previous spirituality-focussed posts, particularly the ones dealing with the spiritual and prehistoric origins of the Left-Hand path, divine protection, especially from the female side of God, came up, and it warrants further examination.
Firstly, I should clarify where I’m coming from. It has been my privilege to be visited and helped by the Divine Feminine in a form, I simply refer to as “The Goddess”, with my contention being, that all female forms of God stem from this one common source. The Goddess is one, but she has many forms, names and faces. I feel close to all of them and it has been my experience, that to her, all her forms are equally precious.
Since I was an atheist at the time, the Goddess did not take any particular form with me, I simply saw her as pure, undifferentiated light, but her presence was very much female and even though she did not speak to me, I felt her benevolence, love and could communicate with her simply through thought. Whilst looking for artistic depictions of what I had seen that day, when the Goddess came to me, I kept coming across artistic depictions of the holy spirit, such as these:
I obviously saw no dove, that is meant to be symbolic, but the appearance of divine light in our mundane world was depicted very accurately by various artists.
What I saw specifically (this was in December 2012, in my Wapping apartment in London) was like a second sun, floating in mid air. One could also compare it to a star, hence the symbol of this substack.
The ancients believed, that the gods were literally stars, so they named the abode of the gods, the heavens and named the heavenly bodies after the gods they worshipped, a naming convention we still follow today (Jupiter, Venus, Mars, etc…).
When one does the research and digs into the origins of the names for God / gods in various cultures, (Elohim, Deva, Deus, Anunna, etc…) one inevitably finds a common theme: the gods were believed to shine and their shining was awesome and often fear-inducing (as in the fear of God), causing mortals to fall to the ground and prostrate themselves before them. The Hindus called this shining Tejas, whereas the Sumerian term for it was Melammu. In Christian terms, we refer to it as Glory.
This Glory is present in all divine beings (such as angels) and to a lesser extent, saints, who were all depicted with a “gloria” around their heads to indicate the fact that they had attained a portion of God’s infinite Glory and were themselves shining it on all around them. This is a universal theme, that you can find in all cultures over the world. In my view, it comes from a common experience and cultural memory of encountering divine beings and is something that often comes up in modern UAP sighthings as well. As Diana Pasulka points out, this indicates a common origin for religious experience and UAP phenomena.
What led to this visitation by the Divine Feminine in my case, was a spot of trouble I got myself into, regarding my meditative practice. I was progressing nicely in my years- (or rather decades) long regime of meditation, breathwork and study, but having had no guidance and being self-taught (not recommended in this field), I knew not, how to handle side effects of meditation, particularly a phenomenon known as meditation sickness. This usually happens when energies, that were hitherto hidden or dormant are released and the meditator isn’t ready for them, causing constrictions and blocks in various parts of the subtle body, where the energy is stuck due to some mental or emotional deficiency, thus causing neurological and physical symptoms.
It took me years to figure out why I had this particular issue and it took quite a bit of divine guidance, but in hindsight, it should have been obvious.
In my case, the issue was caused by the God-shaped hole in my heart which led to any energies emerging from the lower half of my body to be blocked and be unable to rise beyond the heart. I experienced chest pains and a dull pulsating sensation. I had a panic attack on the London tube and developed mild agoraphobia afterwards, rendering me unable to visit the crowded parts of the city I have made my home, such as Piccadilly or Soho. I also developed neurological symptoms, like memory loss and a slowness of movement.
In my desperation, I prayed for the very first time. I did not even know who to, I guess God in a general sense, but it was a more of a general feeling we have, when we are in desperate straits and we know that a higher power, an extension of our own higher self, is listening to us. I had a habit of meditating in the garden of St Paul’s Cathedral, by the river Thames, as my office was nearby, in Barbican. So, as I was walking towards the Cathedral and looking at its spires, it occurred to me, that I should ask for divine help. I had been reassessing my atheistic beliefs, due to the energetic, clearly non-physical phenomena I was experiencing (this was before I had any OBEs or NDEs, or any sort of mystical experiences).
St Paul’s Cathedral in London
I felt, that there must be some sort of higher power, some sort of divine source that can help me, so I prayed for the very first time in many years, with a sincerity in my heart and asked for a divine guardian or a guide to be sent to me, so I can overcome the difficulties I was experiencing and be guided on the path to the divine.
Immediately, it felt as if the heavens had opened up and I saw light shining down from above (it was spritual light, not physical), which I now identify with the Glory of God, or divine grace. The light entered my head at the point where the spine connects with the brain stem and it immediately streamed down all the way to the base of the spine, an incredible feeling, as if someone had energised my whole subtle body with a divine light. I felt hopeful, that my prayer had been answered.
I went home in a hopeful mood. The next day, as I was washing up in the kitchen of my Wapping Apartment, near the river Thames, I suddenly felt the the fabric of reality opening up behind me and a second sun appearing out of it, radiating pure, white light. I felt the rays of this second sun or star carressing me from behind, as if to comfort me and put me at ease. The light coming from it was awesome, but it also felt like a higher power, a being of pure light had emerged from a higher reality, one that I identified with heaven. The presence was clearly female, unmistakably so. If that sounds confusing, try to remember the last time you were standing in a room and someone came in, with your back turned towards them. Perhaps, you’ve had this experience of knowing just by their presence or vibe, whether they were female or male. This was the same type of feeling.
As the light emanating from this pure being of light carressed me, I received thoughts and intentions from her, making it perfectly clear why she was there, though I did not hear a sound, apart from the sound of divine radiance. It is hard to explain, but her radiance was so strong, that it made a sound, I imagine something very similar to any star or the sun would make, if we could hear it.
From my vantage point, it seemed that she had tentacles of light reaching out to me, like the rays of a star and she touched me with these. She floated closer to me and made it clear that I should relax and let her help me. As I did so, she touched me from behind, which felt like a real human touch, though obviously it was through a tentacle of light. Since she was behind me, I would not rule out that she materialised a hand temporarily, for just this purpose, as it felt so real, but I did not see it.
She touched my energetic or subtle heart (in the middle of the chest), from behind and I felt her light or grace flowing into me. It was an incredible feeling, like nothing I have experienced before, flooding me with what felt like liquid light, hot to the touch, but also extremely pleasant. This continued until my whole body was filled with light and I could feel liquid light coursing through my veins and energy channels (nerve pathways). I could feel every single energy channel individually along with their intersection points, called chakras. The effect was akin to applying a power wash to a clogged system of pipes. It started removing the blocks that have hitherto been stopping the free flow of energy, causing my meditation sickness. The block in my heart was eventually removed with what felt like a huge relief, finally, the central energy channel in my spine was free of any blockages and an incredible amount of light was flowing through it. This continued until all blockages were gone and I felt the energetic muck, built up over a lifetime, disappear in a matter of minutes. The light was also hot, so it burnt up accumulated residue in terms of emotional trauma and unresolved emotional and spiritual issues. I finally felt free for the first time in my life, free of any baggage, sin, guilt, trauma, hangup or negative emotion of any kind.
At that point, I felt the urge to lie down and let the energetic processes that were happening in my subtle body, run their course. I went to my room and lied down to meditate, by surrendering myself to this higher power and energy. During that time I experienced divine ecstasy, a sweet feeling of relief and a feeling of oneness with God. As the energy I was given continued to course through my veins and pathways I experienced convulsions and involuntary movements, as the nerve pathways in my body reacted to this unfamiliar energetic stimulation. Eventually it all cleared and I felt the energy filling me to the brim, until it reached the very top of my head, at the bulb. I again felt a dull, pulsating sensation, like I had before, when it was in my heart, but now it was pushing against my skull in a rhythmic fashion, only it couldn’t break through.
At this points, the Goddess, who until then was still in the kitchen, floated into my room and started coming near me. She positioned herself above me, reached out with her tentacles of light and started enveloping me in her glory. Her presence was strongest in my heart, where I felt an incredible feeling of being loved and protected. She then started merging with me, until we were no longer separate, her entire body of light was one with mine. This created an unprecedented second surge of energy, which started from the bottom again, and rose along my body until it hit the top of my head. At this point, I heard a crack, comparable to the sound of bone breaking, as if my skull (in my subtle body, not the physical one), had been cracked open, creating an opening through which this surge of energy could escape, giving me huge relief.
What happened next, was completely unexpected and even more awesome.
Through this opening, a new and unprecedented flow of liquid light came rushing in, filling every cell of my body, and with this light came in a higher consciousness, overflowing with love and wisdom. This inflow of divine consciousness gave me knowledge beyond anything I have experienced before. I started seeing myself, others, the whole universe in a holistic light and the previously unseen connection between things that appear separate, but are really one beneath surface, started to reveal themselves. I was given insights into my own path, that of humanity’s, the role of religions and symbols and so much more.
Being filled with this divine ecstasy made everything else I experienced up to that point in my life, pale in comparison.
However, this was only the start and at some point, I found myself in a black, dimensionless void, which, I realised, was the starting point of the universe, the quantum singularity, so to speak.
I was alone in the void, but also not, because the void contained the consciousness and potentiality of everything that was to come. There was a single source of light in that void, myself, my own inner self, my soul, which radiated light from my heart. As the light emanating from my heart started to expand and fill the void, I was no longer in my body, I was entirely liberated from the bonds of matter and I existed purely as spirit. My consciousness started growing and expanding in all directions, at an ever accelerating rate, until I became universal.
I realised, that I was now the universe and I was aware of every single point in it, as it formed a continuum of consciousness that was boundless and limitless. In this universal state, the ordinary confines of my physical body, the senses and the brain were no longer present. Knowledge and wisdom was available to me instantly and in any amount. I experienced limitless knowledge for a short while, where nothing was hidden from me and everything in the universe became clear. In this universal form, I was entirely made of light and I had no bounds or limits, I filled everything there was in all directions, across all dimensions, forever. Time and space did not exist in the sense they do in the physical world, it was an existence without such limitations.
Without the constraints of my physical and subtle organs, especially those of cognition and sensing, I could absorb so much, without difficulty, that it seemed miraculous. There were no limits to anything I could, feel, sense, intuit, know or think, they were all universal and boundless. My overwhelming emotion was of pure, universal love, divine ecstasy, unlimited wisdom and knowledge, an assuredness, that everything was as it should be, compassion, happiness and joy in a way that would be impossible to experience whilst inhabiting a physical, or even a subtle body. My vision was also 360 degrees, but not only that, it was omnipresent all over, where my consciousness was present, which at that point was the entire universe.
I cannot say how much time passed there, in this universal state, as there was no time, the way we understand and perceive it. However, once “we” (universal consciousness) were satisfied that I had experienced enough of it, it was time for me to return to my body. This decision took no time at all and was self-evident to all of us, in that state we were all one and we perceived no difference between each other, we were all part of the same universal continuum.
In an instant, my consciousness started shrinking rapidly, until I found myself back in my body, lying in bed, in my London apartment, with the sun shining on my face. I felt incredibly constrained and claustrophobic, returning to this prison of flesh after experiencing universal consciousness for a short while. Of the boundless knowledge and wisdom I had access to in my universal state, I remembered and retained very little, though some of it came back to me later as I did research and had moments of recognition.
By this time, the Goddess was gone and I felt utterly alone, my limbs were aching and I felt like I had died and was reborn, though not necessarily in a pleasant way.
Since that time (this was nearly 12 years ago), I had plenty of time to reflect on what had happened. This event shattered my atheistic and materialistic world view, but it took me a long time to accept this change in me and understand these events in their proper context. I have since come to understand, that the divine is one, but can have many forms and I encountered it in its purest, source form, without the added baggage of cultural and religious expectations. I have also since learnt that the divine feminine is the active, outflowing part of the Godhead, that portion of it, which extends into our created universe and out of compassion takes an active interest and role in shaping things according to divine will. A book I found useful in explaining the different forms the Divine Feminine takes and has taken over the millennia, as well as how they are related, is The Cosmic Shekinah: A historical study of the goddess of the Old Testament and Kabbalah, which details the development of the Divine Feminine in the Judeo-Christian context and helped me understand what this Goddess is that came to me that day (and a number of times hence). The Gnostics called her Sophia, Jews and Muslims refer to her as Shekinah / Sekina, Christians know her as the Holy Spirit as well as the Virgin Mary, who expresses herself in many different roles, owing to her historical origins, such as the Holy Mother, Mother of God and the Queen of Heaven.
Doing further research, I realised that the divine feminine has her own tradition in the East, where she is known as Shakti and the branch of Hinduism built around her as Shaktism. She appears as various Hindu goddesses, but particularly Durga, who is known primarily for being the goddess that defeated the demonic at a time when it overran the world. I will detail this story in an upcoming post. Even in Buddhism, this same divine feminine force appears as various Boddhisattvas, especially Tara and Kwan Yin.
The primal, source form of Shakti I saw that day is known as Adi Shakti in Hinduism and I would equate her with the Holy Spirit, the feminine side of God. I know this is heavy stuff and steps on a lot of religious toes. Most religious people cannot abide universalists and synchretisers such as myself, however, if you have read this far, I hope you will have a better appreciation for where I’m coming from.
What an amazing experience. Thank you so much for sharing something that is so personal to you. God bless you Chris!
Chris, I really appreciate your writing and honesty. Do you have any recommendations for those of us who'd like to learn more about meditation?